New Year: Personal Growth, what's that?
2018 I am not sorry to see you go.
I would love to say that 2018 was this amazing year filled with self-selection, personal growth, and living to be the best me.
I did do a lot of self-reflection, I did grow personally, and I am becoming a better version of myself. But it wasn't through retreats, get-a-way's to spa's, or a cruise to some place warm and exotic. It also wasn't through therapy sessions, though those I would have gladly gone too.
My self-reflection came from watching my husband's world spiral out of his control until we were left with nothing but ashes. Which meant going with the positive: he had a job. Which meant ignoring the negative because it would have drowned me.
The postive was: He survived the merger. He might have had a vague title with no description. My mantra: Let's just get through this month
worry about next month later.
My thought process: Is my resume up to date? I should start looking for teaching jobs again. Let me email Mr. Dude's case manager and find out if we think he can handle after care in case I have to get a full time job or a second job because my husband lost his because of the merger.
That was pretty much October 2017 until about February 2018.
Each month he still had his job, each month I breathed a bit easier. Each month I focused on the positive: our bills were paid, we had food on the table, Mr. Dude was doing amazing at school. I focused on the fact that my husband now has a 401k and better health coverage. (ie: my inhaler no longer costs a few hundred dollars.)
I learned that the small things do matter. A hug or a laugh from my son can change both of our moods. We learned who our family was, friends became family.
I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. That I can find my calm even when a tornado is making chaos in my life.
By February, the fear of losing his job vanished when he was given his actual title and a job description. He was no longer just there to ensure the merger went smoothly. We could breath.
I grew personally because I let myself lean on my tribe. I didn't have to take it all on. I also learned that anger can only get you so far. And Hurt can last infinitely longer once the anger fades. I learned that we don't have to forgive and that's okay. I grew as I began to understand what kind of people I wanted in my life. And that it's okay to cut people out of your life if they bring drama to it.
I learned that I have no tolerance for people who talk around the truth. Even if they are doing it because they think it will make the situation easier. I have an eight year old that I have to explain things too when the truth comes out. I have to explain how you said the end of the month but in fact it was more the around the 15th of the month that you were leaving. I had to explain what you meant by leaving, that you were moving. I have to deal with an eight year old who is trying to make sense out of what you said and what is truth without saying bad things about you. I had to let his teacher know so that she could give his counselor and OT (occupational therapist) the heads up that Mr. Dude might be in sensory mode because of it.
I have grown because I am only giving you a few moments to be angry before I move on to focus on better things. And my husband is following me in that. No more entire dinner conversations dedicated to hurt and confusion. A few sentences and then we move on to something positive.
Because we have both grown and it has made us stronger as individuals and as a couple.
And if you read this and you get upset. I'm not sorry. Because I have to deal with the sea of pain you have caused my guys.
What I also learned is we don't have to go on some fancy retreat or by the best seller on how to let go. We can do it in our own way. We just have to want to do it. And we don’t have to do it alone, and that‘s okay.